Catching up

I wrote this email to a friend recently. Thought it was interesting.

Ok, to be completely honest in our catching up, I've had the year from hell. Yep. I started out 2006 thinking that I was going to get my license to teach high school, plan Luke and my wedding in August, get married sometime in 2007, build a house and live happily ever after. Somewhere in the middle of last year, things started falling apart. I was nearly 180 pounds, (I'm closer to 140 now if that gives you any indication of how much this sucks.) I looked at my life and realized that it wasn't working. I didn't want to be a teacher and have nothing to look forward to. I saw my life stretched out before me. I saw Luke and I doing the same thing we had been doing for the past 6 years and I didn't want to continue. I wanted something more. So I did the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I broke up with Luke a week after my birthday. Packed up my stuff when he was at work one day. I cried the whole time. I felt like such a jerk. (asshole is actually the word I use most often) Here I had promised this great guy that I was going to be his forever and now I was taking it back. It's awful. I have never broken up with anyone before. In all of my relationships, I was the one to be dumped. There are so many things that weren't working with Luke and I. It's so sad. As I was cleaning up the house this December, I kept running into old love letters that I wrote him. Did you ever hear of a love letter that was an apology? It seems that those were the only ones I ever wrote to him. How sad. He was never really interested in my family, never let me be me in public. I couldn't hug my friends for crying out loud. If I did, it would start a fight. Jealousy, evil beast. I was living in a hole. SO, I moved out July 28, started my student teaching. Moving is behind death and divorce as a super stress 'thing', by the way. Finished that out. It was fun and hard. I was fighting missing my best friend and breaking up with him. Around November I finally started to realize that Luke would be better off without me and I didn't need him to be happy. I had it all figured out by December. Moved back home Christmas Eve. That was my year. Pain in the butt. The good news? I met the sweetest guy. Met him the day after Christmas at a party my lead teacher threw. He is super sweet. A musician. Lives in Nevada- another long distance relationship for me. I have decided that the universe (or god, goddess, whatever you choose to call it) has the best sense of humor. He lived right next to me the whole time I was doing my student teaching and I never met him. And he seems to be perfect for me in this moment. I nearly told him I loved him the last time I was in Nevada. In the midst of this great joy, I'm freaking out because I live in the big city of LA, I'm starting a new job, I'm taking acting classes and finding that I am WAY out of practice, and then, there it is. That little glimmer of guilt and sadness for what I left behind. I don't know if Luke talks to you much about what happened. But he told me that he won't have anyone else. That I am his dream. That sucks. I find myself really wanting to talk with him, find out how he's doing but then I stop because I don't want to give him any false hope. And I am petrified of the moment he discovers I am moving on. I don't want to hurt him anymore. But it seems inevitable. Woh, that was a lot. Hope I didn't dump too much on you and you are thinking, "Uh, Genevieve, I was only being polite when I told you I wanted to catch up, you crazy bitch.".