Buh Bye

I am a little less than 2 weeks away from leaving LA. Mom and I are planning on doing a bunch of tourist-type activities before I'm gone for good. All I can say about this is thank goodness. I have never been so excited to go somewhere before in my life. The best part is that this is the first time I've made a decision that is purely positive. I know what I am going toward. I'm making a decision based on love. I've never done that before. I've always said, ew, don't want that so I'll pick this. Now I'm looking at my life and I say to myself, ok, this is fun, let's do it. Wow. What a relief to finally be in a place where I am 100% sure of something.
I have said it before and I'll say it again. Kyle and I are going to have the best happily ever after story. I can't wait to get started. To see what kind of adventures we'll have together when we get to be with eachother every day. This is the best present I have ever given myself. :)
Woohoo!

Ashland Day One

So Yesterday was Kyle and my first full day in Ashland. Saw Cindy off to Seattle. I got to spend the morning doing the things we used to do when I lived with her. Laying in bed reading daily inspirational writings, then drinking fresh sqeezed orange juice for breakfast. She told me this morning that Kyle is lovely.

Last night we were sitting around Emigrant Lake wih her and Roger and she told me that he is the exact polar opposite of Luke. Kyle had her and Roger laughing most of the night. He asked them both questions that I didn't even know the answers to. Like what Roger does for a living and how long they have been together. It was so nice.

We went to the Buddist Temple yesterday. Kyle took this picture. There were three statues of gods - two goddesses, one god. Kyle got this great boobie shot.

We are having so much fun together. My aunts house is amazing. We're staying in the cabin. Jumped in the spa last night. Made out with Kyle for hours. So nice. :)

We've been sleeping in the living room on the floor. Threw the mattress that belongs to the sleeper sofa in there. It's great waking up to the sun shine on my face.

Yesterday we also saw my old room mate Mary. She looked so pretty and happy. This was the friend that I hadn't talked to in forever. I had held this awful negative energy about her because I wasn't liking all her negative choices. A few months ago I emailed her and apologized. It's so much better loving people than being mad at them. Saves a lot of energy.

I can't wait for more adventures with Kyle. Two weeks of fun. Woohoo!

Weekend fun

Ok. I just have to give a big ole' hallelujah, thank you, thank you, I am oh so happy THANK YOU to the universe and all the people in my life. I am in love! And not just with Kyle. :) I'm in love with me, my family, my job, my life, my car. It's ALL GOOD. It's perfect and I am so happy and grateful right now for every moment in my life. My cup overfloweth. (Wow, did I just drop a lot of religiously charged vocab.)
Here's the great week I have had to inspire the above flowing of emotion.
I left for Nevada on Weds. after giving my little brother a big hug and a kiss. His friends were down and he was having a great time. Raced out in a flurry, had dinner with Kyle's sister, Lynne. She talked most of the time and I learned more family mythology. So many great stories. I fell even more in love with Kyle as she told me that he is quite picky when it comes to the girls he will date. And as I look back, he wasn't too thrilled about having a long distance relationship with me. He was pretty guarded at the beginning. The first time I brought it up he panicked. The second time he ended up bringing it up and he panicked again, all worried that he wasn't going to get to have it. So funny.
Got a funny text from Kyle: "Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy :-D" I laughed so hard. I called him to thank him for the great message, he asked where I was. I told him, his reply, "Really? Why don't you come over?" I love that playful banter we get going. It happens often and is so much fun.
Again, he was sitting in the house, barefoot, jeans, white button down shirt, playing the guitar. My gosh, I am forever feeling like I won the lottery with him. He really is as great as I think he is. :)
It took me a while to be in the moment and know that I was actually there with him in the same city. I think I may have reached speeds a bit too fast for my spirit to stay with me. :) I was so excited!
Had a blast with him that night, breakfast the next morning with his Mom. Evelyn invited me to karoake. It was so much fun. I sang Dixie Chics - Cowboy Take Me Away. I got so many compliments. Apparently, I've got a nice singing voice. Those lessons must be paying off. Ran into Estelle Hockemeyer and Chris someone from high school. I'll remember his last name here soon. :)
The next day, got all beautified and headed back to Kyle. Went to the restaurant to watch Kyle. All I did was eat, drink and watch some jazz. It was fabulous. The creme brulee was outstanding. I left thinking my stomach was going to jump out of my body and run away. :)
I love driving with Kyle. I'm so glad that Trish and Gayla were able to switch my appointments around so I could drive up with him. He holds my hand the whole ride, always opens my door for me, and every once in a while will kiss the back of my hand. It's the sweetest thing ever. And he likes to kiss me in public. I haven't had that in forever. Not some slobbery make out session, just looking in my eyes, lean in, connect to lips and hold - a sweet kiss. So I had a great Friday night. Oh and before the gig, we stopped off at an old bar for a drink. That is nearly the best part. There are so many fun people to talk to. And Kyle is not afraid to do it, to make connections and have fun with complete strangers. It feels so good.
Saturday we had breakfast at Grandma Hatties and I felt like a celebrity. Everyone was so happy to see me, gave me hugs and smiles. That was a nice place to work.
Tammie waited on us and Kyle tried to give her a hug as a thank you for delivering the gift that I gave him - the card with the pictures and the comic strip. She wasn't having it. She hates hugs, how was one supposed to know? Well, I knew, should have warned him, my ad tried to hug her and I thought she was going to dead run out of the restaurant. She's different and I love her.
After that I got to play roadie for Fast Forward. (I think that's the right lingo - I helped set up the gear.) I was even asked my opinion on how the sound check went. I felt pretty important. It was at the Nugget- a Luau for the Kiwanis Club. I was the only person there that wasn't officially invited. Had an entire table for 13 all to myself. Luckily, I made friends, drank a lot and had a great time. I led the dance guantlet and made friends with a bunch of 13 year olds. I'm sure their parents appreciated that. :) My drunk dancing self being the perfect role model. A groupie - this life is so much fun. I made friends with Robert and Dawn Gilder. They are high school friends with Kyle. Aquaintances, who knows. I don't get much back story from Kyle. I just say hi and have fun in the moment. It's such a good time.
Sunday Kyle got up early to play a rock show at a church and I had dinner with Karen, my former lead teacher. She gave me a hard time about not applying to be a teacher. The next time I see her and she asks, I'm going to tell her I'm not doing it. I'm going to act as if I'm a famous actress and I don't need to be a teacher. I'm not ready to give up. Kyle and I talked about that tonight. His Dad wants him to go back to college to get his Masters of Fine Arts in music so that he'll be able to teach at the college level. Kyle said the same thing, I don't want to. Not ready for that. Want to keep at the dream!
Went to see the high school musical, Sweet Charity. It really is quite the silly story. The acting was great, loved the dance choreography, but wow was the music horrendous. I thought Kyle was going punture his ear drums so that he wouldn't have to listen to another wrong note. I even noticed how painful it was and I'm the acting gal, not the music gal. :)
Had dinner at a casino buffet. Dessert was frickin' awesome. Next time we go there, I'm all about the Mexican Wedding Cookies. I could eat about 20 of them. Yum.
The rest of the night, I got to have my own private concert. Kyle played the guitar for 4 hours and we sang and drank and laughed. I did a bit of crying. But I couldn't help it. He started playing some of the original songs he had written and I lost it. He wrote this rock ballad for one of his girlfriends, Bridgett. He told me that she didn't cry when he played it for her. And then he says, "But I wasn't in love with her either." I nearly lost it at that moment. He played the song, it was great, not tear worthy for me, but I did like it. Then after returning from a short break, he started playing Wishing Well. It was so much fun to sing with him. Gave me goosebumps. I started crying after that. He told me not to, said he understood but couldn't relate to the crying. I am so amazed by this guy all the time. I love it.
Monday morning we met my parents for lunch, at Grandma Hattie's - this is day 3 in a row for me. It was really funny. Kyle bought lunch for everyone. I thought that was really sweet of him.
Then it was off to LA for me. I was so proud of me. I didn't start crying this time. I was dry eyed. I did start to tear up as I watched him out my rearview mirror. He never goes into the house when I leave. He stays outside and watches my car drive away. It's such a romantic idea that I break down every time I look back and notice it.
Sunday night Kyle told me that I am a beautiful person. Asked me if he had told me that before. He called me special tonight. One night, after some amazing lovin' (and we're talking phenomenal here. Not only does he keep getting better, the sex does too. Although Kyle never calls it that. He always says that we're making love. I could just melt.) I turned to him and said, "Everyone should have one of you." And we broke down into giggles. That's another one of those things that is so great about us. We just laugh and have so much fun.
As we left the grocery store Sunday night, he asked me if I wanted to rob the jewelry store on the hill. No, not tonight, I said. And he laughed and told me, "See, that's why you're so good for me." Which kind of threw me. Did he really want to rob the jewelry store? Or was he commenting that he likes this playfulness we have created together? I'm going for the second one because when I asked him, he gave me a funny grin and laughed at me.
It is nearly midnight. I am tired and haven't had a chance to read back through this and I don't care at this moment. It's insanely long and I hope you like it. I'll fix it tomorrow, jazz it up. Make it pretty

If the answer is not "Hell, Yes!", the answer is "No."

This was on the daily readings that my mom bought me for Christmas. It was in yesterday's readings. The neat thing about it is that it prompted me to discuss my acting plans with Steven and what I am doing here in LA. I'm here to go all out. To just do the things that I like and want to do. All the choices that I make are going to reflect my joys. Hell yes! That's all I want to do.
Today I got a lesson in how hard it is to continually make a hell yes choice. Steven and I wanted to go to IMAX and watch 300. We were quite excited. Found out the showtimes, and like the trusting Nevadans we are, we went without prepurchasing our tickets. Get there and the gentleman at the parking counter tells us that the 7pm IMAX show is sold out. But we could see it at 8pm in the regular theater. "Ok, sure", was my response, Steven's was, "Naw, we're out of here." I, with just two words, "It's ok", got us to pay our $10 and go in. What shall we find? The 8pm show is now sold out as well. AHH! I have to be at work at 4am tomorrow and am not going to stick around for the 9pm show. What happens with our promised $10 rebate after buying a movie ticket? What shall we do? Grr.
We don't get our $10 back, but we do get a free pass for later. That's better than nothing. Steven and I were then able to have our "Hell, yes" conversation. We are going to help eachother. Kyle never gets talked into getting something he doesn't want. I can be talked into buying camel dung, I am sure of it. I'm all about saying yes. (I think it's all my improv training. You are supposed to agree to everything because it's more fun, i.e. more dramatic, as you can see how saying yes ends up creating drama in my life.)
So there you have it. I must take a step back and consciously think about the decisions I am making and if the answer isn't "Hell, yes", then the answer is "No!"

Four Days Later

It amazes me how different I feel now since the last blog I wrote. Four days later and I am in a new country, it seems. On Monday I was on this high, feeling that everything was going my way. Mainly because I was going to be spending two days with Kyle. And now, I've managed to dig myself into a pit of despair. Seriously, what is wrong with me?
I am finding out that I am an emotional girl. I am prone to flights of fantasy, elation, and deep dark feelings. I don't think I'm manic, but boy do I ever like to swing the pendulum of emotion.
As I was sitting around thinking about it today, I decided that I am awakening. I have numbed myself to all joy and emotions the last few years. I wrapped myself in this cocoon of safety and didn't let anything escape. Now I'm coming out and I am naked, raw to the world of emotion. I have lost all those coping mechanisms. I think this theory may be correct for me right now.
I head to Nevada again in about 12 days. That's not so long. (Those are Kyle's words, he says that to cheer me up, to get me thinking like a normal human being.)
My new goal for this trip? To not cry when I leave. That has been my pattern for everything, not just parting with Kyle. I cried each time I left home for college. I cried both times I went to Europe. Every parting with anyone or any place, I get all teary eyed. We're talking about 20 years of programming at least. I think it has roots in my ill fated week with my Aunt Pam, that evil demon woman. (I can tell you that story later, if you're really interested.)
I wonder if I can do it. Give Kyle a big kiss and a hug and get in my car with a smile and no tears. Ok, gonna have to work on that. Just thinking about it gets me going. :)

Obsessed

I've noticed that in the midst of all my free time that I have become a woman obsessed. I've got this handful of things that I do constantly. Here's the list: eat, check my email, blogs, myspace, read and write on my blogs, eat, think about Kyle and how cool he is (knew that one was coming, I'm twitterpated), wonder at how I can be eating so much and am still losing weight, think about my goals and what I want to be doing in a year, which gets me thinking about Kyle again.
Yeah, so where ever I am, you can bet I'm doing one of the above mentioned things. It's kind of funny, maybe a bit OCD. But I'm also liking that I have time to just sit and think about me. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting a bit egotistical and then I realize that for the last 8 years, I've only thought about other people and how each and every decision I made was going to impact someone else and stressing about it. So much responsibility. Now I can just chill.
I'm liking taking care of myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am doing The Zone with Steven. He's gaining tons of muscle and I'm losing tons of fat. I'm melting away, gotta start working out so rumors don't start flying that I've got to LA and started up a coke habit. :)
Emotionally, I've got the best support system ever. Steven is a great roommate, he lets me vent whenever I need to. He is starting to tune me out when he hears Kyle's name though. Haha.
I can call my parents any time I want and it's so nice to be working on my friendships with my girlfriends again. For the last 6 years it's been nothing but Luke. I lost that deep connection with my girls. So sad. I can't let that happen again. I need that feminine support and energy to stay balanced.
And spiritually, I've been slacking. So I've started writing my three morning pages each day - just dumping thoughts on a page, feels great. I'm going to start meditating and I plan on making a conscious effort to find a new pace to live my life in. One that is slow, effortless. I have this erratic twitchy pace and it's tiresome. It wears me down and it's probably not good for my health at all.
It's so nice to start feeling more balanced and peaceful. I'm still working on this feeling of fear at having no clear plan. That's where my obsession with goals is coming from. But I've got Steven and Kyle to balance me out. They keep me laughing and encourage me not to take life so damn seriously.
Lately this feeling of being blessed has been popping up in my head. Usually when I hear people say, "I'm so blessed", I want to punch them in the face because it sounds so forced and phony. I don't think that blessed is what I want to use. I found this quote and put it on my myspace blog.
"Gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." ~ G.K. Chesterton
I think that is more accurate for how I feel. Gratitude. I am in wonder and amazment at all this happiness that I've found. It's so cool!
And if I could bottle this stuff, I'd share it, sell it, send it. Be one rich woman. :)

Flying High

I feel so extremely excited about my relationship with Kyle. I'm anticipating the future. It feels so good to be able to take a risk and get such a positive response. I am excited for the future. Making plans with him to go to Hawaii has been a blast. It is something that I have wanted to do for so long. I'm so glad to have a partner to travel with. I asked for a cute guy to take with me and I got him.
The situational similarities between my relationship with Kyle now and Luke back in 2000 are kind of freaky. I started dating Luke in the summer of 2000. I had been with him for 3 months, then left for college, we had a long distance relationship going on and 6 months later, I went to Hawaii. Now with Kyle, we started dating the end of December, 3 weeks later, I head to LA. We have a long distance relationship and 5 months later, we're going to Hawaii together. What is going on? Why is this pattern seemingly repeating? The fear I have is that this is a repeat of events past. When I think about that, I know it's not true because I am not the same person I was 7 years ago. Kyle and my relationship is leaps and bounds better than anything I have ever known. It's more concentrated and intense. I am taking risks and opening myself up in ways I didn't know possible. I can't believe how connected to him I feel. I don't know where our relationship is going but I love it. Even being this far away from him, I feel safe and happy.
Mom said that Kyle and I are what was supposed to happen. My soul must have chose to have this kind of great love and romance happen in this way. Going to Hawaii and having a great time with the man I love. I must have known this and was so ready for it to happen that I thought Luke was who I was supposed to be with. Got ahead of myself. :)
It's fun that there are so many great romantic ideas out there. We're looking for love and someone to love. I never thought about it before. Never imagined my wedding day or my dress and bridesmaids. Never thought about how happy I would be or my husband. Never even thought of putting those two words together: 'my' - 'husband'. Weird. But the last time I was with Kyle, laying in bed next to him, looking at how his hair curled on his forehead and the serenity in his face as he tried to fall asleep, I was overcome with emotion. At that moment, I knew what it must feel like to stand up in front of my family and friends with him in front of me and tell him how much I love him and am excited for a future with him. To cry and kiss him and tell everyone about my feelings for him in that most public of ways. I got a glimmer of it anyway. If he asked me to marry him the next time I saw him, I don't know what I would say. Really don't think I'm ready for that or even want it right now. I just 'get' it now. It makes sense to me in way that I couldn't grasp before.
I wasn't excited about anything before. I barely felt human let alone loved and cared for. Now I'm planning a week long trip to Hawaii and thinking about all the possibilities that lay before me. I'd love to plan a trip with Kyle every year. Go on a cruise to Alaska, bike around Europe, tour Japan. Anywhere with him is a good time.
I want the first time I tell him I love him to be in Hawaii. Maybe under a waterfall, or watching the sunset, or on a moonlit beach. I was thinking that I didn't want to say it first. But now I do. I want to be the first one to say it. I want to know what it feels like to bare yourself naked like that. All raw with feeling and fear, "How is he going to take this?", "Does he feel the same way?" And I want it to be at just the right moment. The right moment could be anything, just so I can see his face when I say it. See the look in his eyes when the words hit his ears.
FEAR - Feeling Excited And Ready. It has been so long since I have done something that I have been excited about and a little scared to do. The feeling of life that is coursing through me is so intense. I feel like the universe is placing stepping stones down in front of my feet just before I put them down. And I'm walking fast!
Here's some quotes that I found to try to capture these feelings:

To me there is something thrilling and exalting in the thought that we are drifting forward into a splendid mystery-into something that no mortal eye hath yet seen, and no intelligence has yet declared.
Edward Chapin
Love and magic have a great deal in common. They enrich the soul, delight the heart. And they both take practice.
Nora Roberts
Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.
e.e. cummings